The American public now has unprecedented knowledge about their current president, Donald Trump, and which Mario Kart character his doingle looks like. It’s Toad.
Performer Stormy Daniels claims it looks like Toad from Mario Kart. This guy:
Disturbing.
Before you close this tab and leave the internet forever, give us a second. Let us be the last webpage you read. Because, good reader, Toad is hardly the only phallic hero in the video game kingdom. They come in all shapes and sizes.
We’ve been thinking this one over in our heads. Ruminating over it. To get the best possible description of any past, present or future American president’s executive office, we’d like to provide a line-up of other video game characters to pull from.
So without further ado, here’s a couple other video game characters that look like a pocket rocket.
Bullet Bill
Bullet Bill is thick, fast, and would best used to describe the folks out there packing some heat.
Cappy
Kirby has to inhale extra hard to take out this otherwise basic enemy.
Toadette
For those with a feminine penis, we suggest describing it as a “Toadette.”
Puffstool
Seriously, what is it with Nintendo and mushrooms? This one is from Pikmin, by the way.
Cactuar
Watch out for those 1000 needles.
Garuda
Speaking of Final Fantasy, Garuda’s neck gave us nightmares.
Gillwing
Sega wasn’t immune from creating the occasional penis monster either. Here’s one of our “favorites” from Nights Into Dreams.
Kakuna
And we’re back to phallic Nintendo characters. Fun fact: Kakuna evolves from a Weedle, who also looks… Well… See for yourself.
Combusken
Now that’s what we call a full package.
Diglett
Okay okay, enough with the Pokémon we could do that all day. You’re off the hook for now, Exeggutor.
Java
Hahaha. Neat. Gross.
Mara
That’s one subtle chaos demon, Shin Megami Tensei.
Sans
Undertale has a skele-ton of interesting characters, but Sans by far looks the most like a real prick.
Metroid
We give up. Nintendo, you’ve clearly got some issues to work out.
